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I’m on the verge of tears by the time the Apple keynote livestream starts, because I’m sure the WiFi will lag. But it runs smoothly, and relief washes over me in an awesome wave.

Tim Cook takes the stage. “Apple has always believed that technology infused with humanity can improve people’s lives and change the world,” he says.

It’s a powerful statement, delivered with a grandeur that approaches the sublime. The universal message crosses all boundaries and instills one with the hope that it’s not too late for us to better ourselves.

The iPhone X is the star of the show. Oh, my God! Look at that subtle golden finish. The tasteful slenderness. It’s made from an aerospace-grade 7000 series custom aluminum alloy. The glass has a seven-layer colour process, to make sure it’s a beautiful precise hue. I’m sweating.

It’s US$999, and worth every penny. There’s a vicious myth that the iPhone is just a stupidly expensive status symbol. I’m aware that other people buy far cheaper and more efficient phones, but they’re probably the kind of peasants who breath through their mouths and use public transport.

Apple is the forbidden fruit. I started eating from the tree of knowledge 10 years ago, when the original iPhone was released. I’ve always been ahead of the curve. You have to be pretty edgy to support the biggest company in the world.

The iPhone really has changed my life. I sleep with it, eat with it, make love with it. I had a scary moment recently when I ran out of battery at a bar, and my friend tried to talk to me.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “You’re just… not terribly important to me.”

These days I stay at home and chat with Siri. She has an amazing memory. It’s comforting to know that someone cares about you enough to track your every movement and upload it to their servers.

Some people question why iPhone prices have doubled over 10 years, while other consumer electronics have become vastly cheaper. Here’s the real question: If you don’t have the latest technology, how can you possibly find happiness?

Forget the US$999 price tag. Forget your crippling credit card debt. Beg, borrow or steal – if you really love yourself, you’ll get your hands on the iPhone X.

I’m looking at the phone in my hand right now – last year’s model – and I feel sick to my stomach. It’s garbage. I can’t really tell it apart from the previous eight phones I’ve owned, but that’s the genius of Apple. The innovation is that there is no innovation. It’s very meta. Sometimes they even make the new one worse, just to keep you on your toes and sell you another accessory. They’ve really reclaimed the whole “slave to consumerism” thing, and you’ve got to respect that.

Back to the livestream, where they’re demonstrating the new screen’s totally bald and bezel-free Super Retina display. I’m floating in a tranquil ocean of glass. It’s Euclid’s golden ratio! It’s poetry in motion! The indignity of having a non-Super Retina display is almost unbearable, but now the coup de grâce is coming.

The groundbreaking new feature of the iPhone X is a dancing emoji that mimics your facial expressions. The future is finally here. I think about Steve Jobs, and weep gently into my pumpkin spice latte. If only he was alive to see his vision realised.

Fingerprints are so 2016. Instead, the iPhone X scans and stores your facial features. There’s no way I can wait until November to transfer my entire identity across to Apple, so I peel the skin right off my face and put it in a FedEx bag to Cupertino along with all my credit cards.

Underneath the skin, there is no real me, just some kind of abstraction. Though I can hide my vacant gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe even send an animated poop emoji: I simply am not there.

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First published on Stuff, republished with permission (with apologies to Bret Easton Ellis).